One Year Ago.

One year ago, almost to date, I wrote my last blog entry. Last night I started looking back at the blog posts from the first year I started writing and was overwhelmed with God's faithfulness. That year of 2011 - 2012 (and first year of marriage) was a season of waiting and growth for me. I remember at the time feeling like life was at a stand-still and was uneasy with the unknown. If you look at my last blog post about job searching, you'll hear my frustration and confusion. But here's what I remember so clearly - He was telling me to wait on Him and on His timing and I knew he was using my lack of control of this situation (and many other circumstances) to begin preparing me for something.

Literally the date of my last post was the week Jacob and I moved to Grant Park and moved around the corner from Amelia. My business partner, but more importantly, now one of my dearest friends. She and I began sharing our backgrounds and experiences as if we'd been friends our entire lives and walked with one another through the hurt and healing we still needed from our pasts.  The month of June 2012 was a month of dreaming for her and I as we felt the same calling in our lives. We prayed for the day God might provide the opportunity for us to serve women who were in "the life" of prostitution. 28 days after Jacob and I moved to the city God provided a way. Amelia and I had been working on incorporating a nonprofit organization that later became known as BeLoved ATL. June 28, 2012  we received our incorporation and began asking Him to reveal the next step. We quickly learned that His revealing only one step ahead rather than His entire plan brought us to a level of trust we had never experienced. Four months after being incorporated we received a donation to go on staff full-time, and a little over three months ago, He brought us a home and two residents!

I won't go into all of the details of BeLoved's story but I just kept looking at my past posts in tears. I had such little faith at the time. Yes, I waited, but I really doubted how tailor-made his plan for the next year of my life would be. I think back to the moments he challenged my faith and trust in Him. Oftentimes I failed, looking to Jacob to fulfill me or becoming depressed from my inability to provide for my family. I was hurting, and I wallowed in that. And yet, God brought joy and called me despite my weaknesses. Isn't that so like Him?

Being able to experience God through our girls has been, no doubt, the most humbling, challenging, and joyful time in my life. Some days I just cry in thanks, and sometimes from exhaustion. Some days I'm consumed by thoughts, still afraid that if I fail personally, I fail these girls, our organization, my teammates and even my husband. It's then that He challenges me to rest in Him and his promises. He is truly the only reason BeLoved exists and I pray each day that He receives the ultimate glory.

Last year, I also wrote a lot about Jacob and his time in Physical Therapy school. The stress, time commitment and challenges it brought to him personally and to us as a first-year married couple. I never thought I could look back and say this, but if I could recommend one thing to make you grow-up in general, grow in Christ and in character, I recommend getting married young and broke (haha, but seriously..) Obviously, no one prefers to live under constant stress, but now that we have weeks in a row where we aren't under that stress and are actually becoming comfortable in our lives, we start to lose the constant need to trust in God and miss it. Stolen cars, barely enough money to pay rent, starting nonprofit organizations instead of getting a paid job...haha.. Seriously, never thought I would say those words. But even so, God has done more than we could have asked and has shown us how temporal those materialistic things are. A lesson I had personally never really learned before now.

On the physical therapy side of things, I couldn't be more proud of Jake. He will be graduating August 3rd from PT school and has already received a position at Physiotherapy Midtown. Again, something we had prayed for despite being told he could never find a job in the city as a new grad.  I think he's most excited that he can ride his bike down the Freedom Trail  to work, which is pretty awesome. It's been three years in the making and he's finally almost done! Praise God!

The last thing I noticed from my posts one year ago was my tone and how hard I was on myself. Something I've learned through starting a business is the necessity of forgiving yourself and others for moments of error and moving forward, without judgement or grudges. I am typically quick(ish) to forgive others but continually become consumed with my faults and insecurities. I miss the joy God intends for me to experience daily. It's taken me many years to get to a place of surrender and forgiveness of myself, my selfishness, shame, and insecurities I've placed onto others. So, this past year I began meeting with a christian counselor. About 10 months ago, I began to experience a little gem known as panic attacks and was encouraged to seek help. Soon after, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and my counselor began working with me to dissect why I couldn't move forward but kept living through my failures, my past and allowed anxiety to consume me. How could I tell the girls of BeLoved to accept God's grace and not be consumed in worry if I couldn't grasp the concept myself?

"Voices of accusation are not from Me..My Spirit convicts cleanly, without crushing words or shame..Since I dwell in you, you are fully equipped to be holy." (Jesus Calling, Sara Young).

Learning the act of forgiveness has been a long process for me personally, but I can sense the Lord changing my heart with each day. I am choosing joy over anxiety (no panic attacks for 5 months now!) and am thankful to my team who has been such a source of encouragement during this season of healing. I know that my God is faithful and I'm prayerful that He will continue to transform each of our thoughts towards his grace - constantly reminding us that we are his children, His beloved.



love, the stagnaros