waiting

The past month has been a difficult and confusing but has also provided much joy and perspective. Jacob and I have been blessed with finding a church – yes, I finally gave up control and allowed him to lead our relationship. After months and months of “church – hopping” I let Jacob have complete say in where we should visit that Sunday and he told me about a church he’d wanted to go to since we started looking. Obviously, I felt ashamed and guilty for my craving control having such a selfish affect but am so happy and thankful for where he led us. 

And this story only gets crazier – the first day at this church we not only knew this is where we would serve but an opportunity to rent a home in Grant Park was given to us by one of the many friendly faces at the end of the sermon. The house is beautiful, in our budget and we are surrounded by the church community and other friends and family who live in Atlanta.  God provided a home and a church all in one month. I’m not sure if we had mentioned this before but we had exactly 29 days to find a place to live before our lease was up when we were told about the house and things were finalized only two weeks before our move. God’s timing is perfect and way more spontaneous and daring then mine :)

On another note, our confusion and difficulties were brought on by what seems like a never-ending search in my finding a job. I know that after waiting an entire year I should just settle for any type of job, even if I don’t necessarily like it, but I feel so strongly that he wants me to wait and trust that He will provide a job that is a great fit for me. I’ve watched all of my friends receive jobs and have worked so hard in my current role and yet I feel as if I’ve failed. 

I learned that I did not receive the job I thought God has crafted just for me this past week and was crushed. I posted this verse on twitter Friday morning and felt every word of it: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. 

If you noticed, I had prayed for complete trust in God in my last few posts and I am getting to experience that now. After a few days of freaking out I can say it is now a strangely calming place to be. When I first learned about the position being filled I cried for God to save me. I also asked for him to transform my heart to sincerely believe that my confidence and identity is not found in my ability to find a job, but is found in Him alone. I’ve had the chance to begin looking back on the past months and have seen how frantic I was to find a position, any position, but at the time felt like I was trusting God completely. I wasn’t. Now that I’m actually listening, I know he is telling me to just WAIT. I could end up waiting 2 weeks or even another full year – it’s not up to me but I’m waiting none the less.

I’m hopeful that one day I will find peace and knowledge in understanding his perfect timing and am thankful that he has provided what actually matters – a church home, relationships, and a circumstance where literally all I can do is trust Him and take my eyes off myself. All things Jake and I have prayed for since being married. Thank you, Lord for your unfailing love and for reminding me time and time again that your power is made perfect in weakness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Love, the stagnaros